Author: Anna findlay (Page 3 of 3)

It was Ben’s inquest in 3/3/20 Very sadly the verdict was suicide.

If anyone wants more info please give me a buzz/text on 07525 460802 or email me on annarfindlay@gmail.com

None of his care team saw it coming and neither did any of his family. He was totally sober with no drugs in his system. I respect it was his choice but I’m so incredibly sad he was suffering so much that he felt this was his only option.

Ben lost touch with almost everyone for the last 3 years of his life and his character changed totally.

Let’s remember the happy, cheeky, eccentric chap we loved. He was a free spirit and we held onto him as long as possible… but you can’t catch a cloud 💔

Some times are REALLY tough. Thats when I hide away so I don’t impose my grief on others. They come out of the blue and last night was one of those times.

It’s easy to make assumptions based on the ‘public face’ that is presented. I’ve plucked up the courage to let you see behind the mask.

I saw this poem and it resonated deeply. I’ve adapted it a bit.

My life goes on- I’ll dig deep and hope today is better. It usually is. Miss you so much Ben Findlay

Your life, that was yours to take,
But my heart, that wasnt yours to break,
From that very day my life has changed,
Now I walk round in an eerily daze,
A former shadow of myself,
I cant think, I cant speak, reality is hell,
The grief is like the dark raging clouds before the storm,
Are these flashbacks and nightmares now part of the norm?
I look back on that night in disbelief!
It didnt happen, you didn’t, you couldn’t!

But all you saw was a release.
You were so loved, but your demons were deep rooted,
Hidden locked away behind jokes and a smile,
I don’t know how you carried that burden,
I couldn’t walk in your footsteps not even for a mile.

I hope and pray you have now found your peace,
And maybe one day my heart will stop breaking and mourning my boy,
When that time comes it will bring me a great deal of relief,
But for now I will mask this pain,
Till the day I hold you in my arms again. ❤️

Poem by Chrissie Louise.

Let’s Talk About Death Baby …….

One of the things I’ve realised since Ben died is that talking about death is a mine-field for some people. I imagine every single person handles things differently. I can only speak for myself. I don’t think there is a general rule but then again I’ve never asked…

So for me- I LOVE talking about Ben. He is still very much my present and I love sharing memories and hearing other people’s stories of time with him.

When he isn’t mentioned it makes me feel like he’s been forgotten, is irrelevant or is somehow shameful. I know that is the last thing people want me to feel and that they are just not sure how to handle things…. ‘if it doubt do nowt’ kind of attitude.

Ben is still my pride and joy. My memories of him are so treasured and there were lots of laughs along the way. I’ve got birth stories, first day at school stories, embarrassing stories etc. How my boy died is just a small part of our story.

Sometimes the grief bubbles right to the surface and things feel too much. Everything is overwhelming- not just talking about Ben. On those days it’s MY responsibility to say that I’m struggling and can we keep it light and talk about silly things or nothing much. Or cake.

I know in the past I’ve been wary of upsetting people especially when their grief is raw/traumatic. That’s why I wanted to share my take on talking about death and I’ll ask folk in similar positions to let me know their thoughts. Because I care and we all just want to do our best.

The photo below was taken when Ben came to Cornwall for Christmas 2018. It turned out to be his last Christmas. He was quite paranoid and distracted but we managed to have a great time. He wore his balaclava a lot so we teased him that he was working under-cover and was our body guard. It made him chuckle. Ben Findlay x