✨Glimmers✨

The other day after a dip at my spiritual home (Battery Rocks) I was having a chat with a few Swimmy friends. One of  them introduced me to a beautiful new word… a ‘ glimmer’. It’s the opposite of a ‘trigger’ which often catch me by surprise and  take my breath away with sadness and shock that I’ve lost Ben.

 

I’ve  been in floods of tears in Sainsbury’s when I’ve spotted a tin of spam, I can’t look at apple strudels in Lidl without my soul sinking and I avoid huge swathes of the country because I can’t cope with memories they impose on me. I live in a little bubble around Penzance where my memories are all mine and I can choose when to remember Ben rather than cope with a trigger. 

A glimmer is such a lovely concept. It’s moments of peace/beauty/ok-ness in everyday life. Moments that bring little pops of joy when least expected. A beautiful flower, light playing on the surface of the sea, the scent of a rose , a pasty at the perfect temperature with just the right amount of pepper, a hand squeeze from John. And very occasionally feeling a wave of pure peace and love washing over me… for no reason. 

All these glimmers could go unnoticed , swamped by the dank-ness of grief, but i make a conscious effort to connect with the joy they bring. It helps to balance out the triggers. It helps. 

 

 

My Boy. 

 

You’ve gone forever.

Yet you’ve never been so present. 

You are everywhere.

 

The car number-plate with your initials on.

The white feather floating on the sea. 

On the radio in your favourite song. 

 

In the eyes of the dogs you left behind. 

Enormous in the space you’ve left at celebrations.

And In the hearts of everyone who loves you.

 

In the face of your look-a-likes.

99% similar to you. 

100% not you.

 

In my tears.

In my dreams.

In my thoughts all the time. 

 

But not in my arms. 

Everywhere yet nowhere.

 

Always a boy.

Never a man.