Ben with his cat and dogs in 2017….and a cheeky beer.
Click on the files below to ‘hear’ this special post. Approx 4 mins total. Theres a bit of silence at start of my message. I received it on world suicide remembrance day 11 September 2022.
Author: Marcus Harding
My most favourite place to swim is probably Battery Rocks in Penzance. Sometimes I catch the tide at a special time when the top of the highest rocks break through the sea. At this magical point it is possible to look as if you are standing on water. I love it. It makes me chuckle.
In January this year (2022) it was one of those days when I was really, really missing Ben. My heart was actually aching. I stood on the rock and stretched out my arms so that the winter sunshine could warm my heart. I felt as if I was being filled with the purest, warmest golden rays of love. It took my breath away. I felt like my heart was full and overflowing. I was alone in the middle of the sea but I felt so connected to Ben. Eventually I pulled myself away from this beautiful love and dived back into the cold sea. My heart was overflowing via thick warm tears coming from eyes. I had felt all the love in the world, all at once. It is a feeling I will never forget. Luckily one of the other swimmers caught this moment on her camera.
Later in the month I was once again on the rock. I was connected into Ben’s energy, and it felt so strong, but I was suddenly aware that I needed to let Ben go. To free him. I was used to feeling Ben with me all the time and I realised that this was a big hold on him. I found myself saying to Ben ‘I’m Ok, this is your time. Go and enjoy your freedom, there’s no need to look after me anymore’. As soon as I said this it felt too final….and Ben always took my words literally… so through my tears I quickly added….’ But if I’m really missing you, can I ask you to come back? Will you let me know you are OK?’ This agreed I felt/heard Ben say, ‘Come on Mum, let’s play!’ and we dived off the rock into the sea together.
As soon as I hit the water, I could sense he was no longer there, and the loss felt like I was being wrung out like a dish cloth. The feeling of loss was huge, and it made me realise how comforted I’d been by feeling Ben’s presence by my side. I had no idea that relationships continue after someone dies but they do. Ben and I get on really well now, his cheeky sense of humour shines through now that he is free from his earthly burdens. I sobbed and sobbed; salty tears being absorbed by the salty sea. But it felt right.
About six weeks later I was adjusting to my new normal without Ben by my side. One morning I’d woken up really, really sad and as I went out for my dip I was delighted to see what I now call ‘Ben’s Rock’ exposed. I swam out, clambered onto the rock and stretched out my arms to connect my heart energy with the horizion. I was filled with a sense of deep peace. I then asked Ben if he could send me a really clear signal to let me know he was safe and ok. I felt/heard (like I’d been on the phone to him) and then put the phone down by jumping off the rock into the choppy sea.
When I got home and had a lovely hot shower I sat down with a cup of tea and shuffled my Arc-Angel Michael Oracle cards. I feel a connection with Arc-Angel Michael aka St Michael due to the presence of St Michael’s Mount in the bay. We can see it clearly from our house and Battery rocks is very close to it. A familiar card popped up straight away…’ you and your loved ones are safe’. I smiled and thanked Ben. I felt like he’d sent me the signal I’d asked for, but there was more to come.
That night I had an incredibly vivid dream. I was walking up Milsom Street in Bath near where Culpeppers Herbalist used to be. I caught sight of Ben walking towards me. He was older than when I’d last seen him, about 26, and was happy and relaxed. His brown wavy hair was soft and shiney, his skin was clean and healthy. He was wearing pale jeans and a white loose top and was smiling. I’d never seen him so comfortable in his body. I shouted at the top of my voice ‘BEN! BEN!’ He looked at me and said ‘Mum?….’ he looked surprised that I’d shouted out to him. Then I felt myself hurl forward and tackle him to the ground and sit on him! His surprise now changed to shock ….’what on earth are you doing now?! ‘
I caught my breath and was so relieved to know he was there, that I’d caught him.
‘Ben you are here?’
‘They told me you had died. That you are dead’.
He looked up at me, his still puzzled eyes twinkling….’Oh yes, they do say that. It’s not true’. Then matter of factly….’It’s not true because death doesn’t exist, death doesn’t exist’,
I could feel exactly what he was saying. That it’s like we are walking down the same street at the same time but that there is a strong, fine layer of silk dividing his world from mine. Sometimes when the light is in the right place its possible for me to see and feel through this silk divide. He sees through the ‘divide’ much more clearly than I do. Hence to him, no longer being alive is not a big deal. He doesn’t know how different it feels to me, to me he seems a million miles away. Unless I’m on his rock.
It’s his 26th birthday this week. In that dream saw what he would have looked like at that age and he is radiantly beautiful.
He’s safe. He’s happy. He’s free.
That’s all I ever wanted for him.
I’m sad and always will be. But I’ll cope.