Category: Uncategorized (Page 3 of 3)

Gosh being raw with grief in the run up to Christmas is really hard. I can’t face putting up the Christmas decorations as there are so many memories attached to them. Little home made Santas from pre-school when life was full of hope. I’m going to put some fairy lights up though obvs.

Then there’s Christmas shopping- I saw THE PERFECT gift for Ben. He was always really hard to buy for as he didn’t want material possessions. But the socks which make you look like you are wearing flip flops would have made him chuckle. I always gave him a Christmas stocking- I’ll miss doing that.

It’s incredibly hard but they say grief is the price of love and I loved Ben soooo much even when his personality changed totally over the last couple of years.

This post seems very sad but there have been some lovely times this weekend too- meeting up with friends and walking on the beach with John. I went to Quakers even though I couldn’t stay long and heard mousehole Male voice choir sing and we won a fabulous hamper.

Sometimes I get huge waves of relief that Ben’s suffering is over. I spoke with his psychiatrist and Bens future was likely to be very difficult with regular hospital admissions and more medication. I think Ben knew that.

I had a beautiful dream where a young man with twinkly eyes and an impressive beard was handing me a white rose from the bunch he was holding. I accepted it and realised the young man was the Ben that could have been. And now maybe is. He ALWAYS wanted a beard (even before they were cool). He didn’t quite manage it on the earth.

Ben Findlay
I am blessed in so many ways xx

Where does love go when the one you love is no longer alive? I find myself in the middle of an existential crisis asking questions to which there are no answers. None.

When your child dies everything is out of sync. I’ve already had to choose where I want to be buried as I want to be with my boy. I’ve had to think about things most parents never think about.

When we got our first dog, Devon, a black Labrador we knew the deal. We would love him until he died. We would outlive him. We hoped Devon would live until Ben went to university and he did! He died just a week before Ben off to study.

We were sad when Devon died. Very sad. But we understood what we had signed up for. Devon had lived a full and happy life. After a few months of missing Devon we went to get George our red Labrador puppy who bumbled into our lives and into our hearts. Filling sadness with joy.

I can’t go and get a new Ben.
I didn’t sign up for him to die before me.
Love goes on.
But I don’t know where it goes.
Or where he has gone.
💔

Ben Findlay

It was Ben’s inquest in 3/3/20 Very sadly the verdict was suicide.

If anyone wants more info please give me a buzz/text on 07525 460802 or email me on annarfindlay@gmail.com

None of his care team saw it coming and neither did any of his family. He was totally sober with no drugs in his system. I respect it was his choice but I’m so incredibly sad he was suffering so much that he felt this was his only option.

Ben lost touch with almost everyone for the last 3 years of his life and his character changed totally.

Let’s remember the happy, cheeky, eccentric chap we loved. He was a free spirit and we held onto him as long as possible… but you can’t catch a cloud 💔

Some times are REALLY tough. Thats when I hide away so I don’t impose my grief on others. They come out of the blue and last night was one of those times.

It’s easy to make assumptions based on the ‘public face’ that is presented. I’ve plucked up the courage to let you see behind the mask.

I saw this poem and it resonated deeply. I’ve adapted it a bit.

My life goes on- I’ll dig deep and hope today is better. It usually is. Miss you so much Ben Findlay

Your life, that was yours to take,
But my heart, that wasnt yours to break,
From that very day my life has changed,
Now I walk round in an eerily daze,
A former shadow of myself,
I cant think, I cant speak, reality is hell,
The grief is like the dark raging clouds before the storm,
Are these flashbacks and nightmares now part of the norm?
I look back on that night in disbelief!
It didnt happen, you didn’t, you couldn’t!

But all you saw was a release.
You were so loved, but your demons were deep rooted,
Hidden locked away behind jokes and a smile,
I don’t know how you carried that burden,
I couldn’t walk in your footsteps not even for a mile.

I hope and pray you have now found your peace,
And maybe one day my heart will stop breaking and mourning my boy,
When that time comes it will bring me a great deal of relief,
But for now I will mask this pain,
Till the day I hold you in my arms again. ❤️

Poem by Chrissie Louise.

Let’s Talk About Death Baby …….

One of the things I’ve realised since Ben died is that talking about death is a mine-field for some people. I imagine every single person handles things differently. I can only speak for myself. I don’t think there is a general rule but then again I’ve never asked…

So for me- I LOVE talking about Ben. He is still very much my present and I love sharing memories and hearing other people’s stories of time with him.

When he isn’t mentioned it makes me feel like he’s been forgotten, is irrelevant or is somehow shameful. I know that is the last thing people want me to feel and that they are just not sure how to handle things…. ‘if it doubt do nowt’ kind of attitude.

Ben is still my pride and joy. My memories of him are so treasured and there were lots of laughs along the way. I’ve got birth stories, first day at school stories, embarrassing stories etc. How my boy died is just a small part of our story.

Sometimes the grief bubbles right to the surface and things feel too much. Everything is overwhelming- not just talking about Ben. On those days it’s MY responsibility to say that I’m struggling and can we keep it light and talk about silly things or nothing much. Or cake.

I know in the past I’ve been wary of upsetting people especially when their grief is raw/traumatic. That’s why I wanted to share my take on talking about death and I’ll ask folk in similar positions to let me know their thoughts. Because I care and we all just want to do our best.

The photo below was taken when Ben came to Cornwall for Christmas 2018. It turned out to be his last Christmas. He was quite paranoid and distracted but we managed to have a great time. He wore his balaclava a lot so we teased him that he was working under-cover and was our body guard. It made him chuckle. Ben Findlay x