Gosh being raw with grief in the run up to Christmas is really hard. I can’t face putting up the Christmas decorations as there are so many memories attached to them. Little home made Santas from pre-school when life was full of hope. I’m going to put some fairy lights up though obvs.

Then there’s Christmas shopping- I saw THE PERFECT gift for Ben. He was always really hard to buy for as he didn’t want material possessions. But the socks which make you look like you are wearing flip flops would have made him chuckle. I always gave him a Christmas stocking- I’ll miss doing that.

It’s incredibly hard but they say grief is the price of love and I loved Ben soooo much even when his personality changed totally over the last couple of years.

This post seems very sad but there have been some lovely times this weekend too- meeting up with friends and walking on the beach with John. I went to Quakers even though I couldn’t stay long and heard mousehole Male voice choir sing and we won a fabulous hamper.

Sometimes I get huge waves of relief that Ben’s suffering is over. I spoke with his psychiatrist and Bens future was likely to be very difficult with regular hospital admissions and more medication. I think Ben knew that.

I had a beautiful dream where a young man with twinkly eyes and an impressive beard was handing me a white rose from the bunch he was holding. I accepted it and realised the young man was the Ben that could have been. And now maybe is. He ALWAYS wanted a beard (even before they were cool). He didn’t quite manage it on the earth.

Ben Findlay
I am blessed in so many ways xx