• This post might be considered a bit offbeat and unusual. A bit like Ben was! Please read it with a curious, open mind. 

It was the 4th anniversary of Ben’s death on 19.10.23. This year has been the hardest so far and to be honest I’m fed up of explaining to people why  time passing doesn’t make things easier. So I won’t.

Ben died on the morning of Saturday 19th October but I didn’t find out until the afternoon of Monday 21st October 2019. So today 21st October 2023  is also a very tough day. My body remembers. This afternoon I felt cramps in my gut like labour as the physical pain  of loosing Ben was remembered. Four years ago I was about to go to visit Ben in Brighton for as long as it took to help Ben settle into his new flat. I was packed and had booked an Airbnb. 

Ben been reported missing on Sunday morning  (20th)  but that wasn’t unusual for Ben as he wandered off regularly. The warden of the flat that he had moved into a couple of weeks previously had contacted me on the Sunday morning to say Ben hadn’t been seen since Friday evening. It didn’t cross my mind that this time was any different to the previous times. I gave a description of Ben, explained that I was concerned that Ben was struggling but that his team knew and had never told me he was suicidal. I sent them a photo for circulation. I was worried but no more than usual- worrying about Ben was my norm. 

We’d spoken every night over the last week. He told me how much he liked his flat mates who were also in the mental health system, what he had cooked himself for dinner- always jacket potato and beans. He also confided in me that sometimes  he was struggling with the voices in his head. Sometimes REALLY struggling. I encouraged him to speak to his psychiatrist and he did. On 18th of October, a Friday evening, his lovely psychiatrist visited him in his flat and Ben reassured him things had settled down. They made an appointment to meet again on Monday 21st. 

However just as I was about to set off there was  a ring on the doorbell and John called to me to come downstairs.

It wasn’t Ben at the door. It was the police. They told me Ben’s body had been found at the bottom of some cliffs outside Brighton in a place called Peacehaven. I literally pissed myself. I’ll leave it there. 

This year I’ve learnt how to do shamanic journeys (maybe I’ll explain in more detail what that is another time) but it’s basically a way of connecting with universal knowledge. I was taught by the wonder-full Benjamin Buckle and for the curious there is more info on his website www.thespirallingsun.co.uk

I increasingly find that seeing the bigger, more spiritual,  picture makes more sense than the ‘real’ world. It helps me cope so bring it on! I did a shamanic journey today and, amongst other things,  I was guided to share the message below which I received the day before Ben’s funeral.It helped me immensely. In my shamanic journey I was also guided to send Ben’s sister Ruth and her partner Cat a book I used to read to Ben when he was little. They are expecting a baby anytime now! …. Uncle Ben… can you imagine the fun and chaos?! 

When Ben was poorly I tried everything to help his mind, body and spirit; The conventional medical way/ nutrition to support his body and healing for his spiritual side. Nathan Ticehurst a friend from Rutland is a gifted healer and Ben agreed to see him weekly for a time. After Ben died Nathan was visiting his Dad (Ralph Ticehurst a retired engineer who is also a healer). Ralph connected in with Ben and Nathan wrote it down and sent it via email. 

Straight away he is showing us he’s OK and at one but I will come back to that… immediate message is I’m OK I’m at peace. He’s (Slow down, slow down) he’s saying he’s tried to explain over the years eve when I was a good deal younger…. I’ve tried to explain how I feel and what I cope with, but when I try to explain to you (Anna) I feel like I’m talking but can’t hear what I’m saying, only way I can describe it is that I can’t hear my own words, like my head was in a metal clamp and under intense pressure. When it releases I would get a feeling of freedom that I imagine as normal that then phased to anxiety and depression, and sometimes aggression.
When the feeling of release of steel clamp came I would get many voices in my head and they would echo and vibrate in my head…it’s the echoes, the echoes. Without the repeating echoes it would be all be ok.
 I did try so hard and I know now that substances I thought helped explore didn’t help. What was constructive became destructive, I began to feel that night and day blurred and life was like walking through treacle, I could be in a dream like state and felt my body didn’t care. *Visual image of bubbles but the bubbles pop just before being caught*
 
Kept being drawn to edges, and the thought had crossed his mind before, the day of my death I was contemplating it, considering it, the ground gave and I was drawn forward. And that was it.
 
There will be more soil marks on one side of my body as I slid. It was fast and quick. I want Mum to know that I am OK and for the first time I can understand…my head is clear and I am at one. I am free.
 
Tell Mum thanks for help given, for what she tried to do. He tried to help her but was always overcome, I could not find the right path. Love and thanks as he always knew how hard you were trying.
 
My death was not caused by anyone else, I daydreamed into it and have come out clearly. I really want her to be as happy as she can, she could have done no more. You have been looking out of the kitchen window and bedroom window thinking of me. I will try to reach her and let her know I am about her. Look to the light Mum and know I am rested.
 
He has described Ben to me very clearly and accurately, I gave him no information. I have not read this back and I am sending it raw and with love.
 
Dad has just said you feel you didn’t get through to him… you Did. But his headspace was constant and consuming.
 
To clarify (I’m sorry as this must hurt) Ben had contemplated suicide and stood on edges before, this time it gave way. He loves you and will be around you. 
 
He wanted you to know that he knew you were trying to help and he wanted to help you to help him. That it wasn’t futile, but that he couldn’t find the path you were leading him onto, he could find the direction. You were powerless but he knew he was loved x
 
I’ve been reluctant to share this before now as it felt too private. Too revealing for Ben. Until now I had only shared it with Bens closest family. However every time I say Ben ‘took his own life’, I feel Ben cringe. The inquest said it was suicide and whilst I think that he wanted a way out it’s not that black and white; I choose to believe it was more gentle than that. Ben was a chap who walked and lived  on the edge the whole of his life. He had terminal mental health problems that ultimately killed him and literally pushed him over the edge, but there is a world of difference between a slide and a forced jump.  
 
I was also reluctant to share what Ralph said because I was worried about being judged for being too weird. I’m over that now- I live in Penzance after all where  this type of thing is the norm. Thank goodness.
 
For those of you less familiar with spiritual practice I hope you find the message as reassuring as I did even if it might seem bit odd to you.