The 14th of April is Ben’s birthday. Even though he’s not here anymore it’s still his birthday; the date on which he was born. This year (2021) he would have been 25. A quarter of a century. However he died aged 23 and 7 months. Strangely I became pregnant with him when I was 23 and 7 months. By the time I was 25 I had a beautiful one year old son and had recently moved from Oxford to York. Everyone thinks that their baby is the best- but mine really was THE best. He was my everything and despite life being a challenge (no partner, no job, no settled area to live in) it was all worthwhile because of Ben.

I moved to York to be nearer to my family and to start my first post-grad job as a hydrogeologist at York Environment agency. I worked part-time so that I could be there for Ben and as this was my first rung on the ladder my pay was less than my childcare bills. But it was a start and I felt like I was creating foundations for our future. Looking back on it the year we spent in York was one of the happiest times of my life. We moved to Bath when Ben was two and a half for work. But that’s another story for another time.

I was fiercely protective of Ben and totally knew what unconditional love felt like. I told him I loved him so often that I hoped it would become part of his DNA and that he would keep that love with him whatever happened in his future. I like to think its still wherever he is. I just don’t know where that is?

I chat to Ben all the time in my mind but sometimes I speak out loud to him. A couple of weeks ago I told him I was really missing him and could he come and see me in my dreams? I often feel him around and imagine him giggling at some of the pickles I get myself into. That night as I was dropping off to sleep I ‘saw’ him. Really saw him in 3D so I could look around his beautiful face soaking up his delicate features. It was lovely. A real gift. Then I stood back and looked at him as a whole. He was standing up and shaking his left arm like he was trying to get it into a tight coat sleeve. He noticed me watching and said ‘this body is such a uncomfortable fit- it always was but its how you recognise me so I’m back in it’. Ben was uncomfortable in human form. Human life was a bit of mystery for him. As a child he always said he was from Mars. 

I think I believe that we have a soul and that we incarnate in different ways/forms. Being a human was a stretch for Ben- he never really knew what date or day it was, he struggled to express himself and he was indifferent to eating food. He said that when he got to uni he would just exist on powder with nutrients in so he didn’t have to cook. He did it too. Money was another mystery. How he drove a car was something else. He did at least 4 theory tests and 3 driving tests. He never got his licence. Maybe they don’t have cars on Mars? 

In my dream as Ben struggled to fit into his body I said* there’s no need to do that. Next time be more comfortable when I see you; appear in a form what feels comfortable for you- just make sure I can recognise you. I wonder what it will be…

I often feel his mischievous energy around. I felt like I heard him chuckling the other day; I was getting ready to launch our new business and I needed a white board to write on. I sent out a request via text to ask if anyone had a white board I could borrow. Then I went for a swim in the sea and literally bumped into a flat board of white plastic. To me it felt like Ben had wombled and delivered exactly what I’d asked for! I picked the board up and its at home now!

Bens birthday present to me:

This year I’ve arranged a rather special birthday present for Ben to give to me. I’ll share more about it in a bit but here’s the back-ground..

When Ben died he left behind very little stuff- he didn’t really ever want material possessions and over his last years he moved around a lot so things got lost. When I went through his stuff I found a small ingot of 24 carat gold bullion. I remembered that Ben/ had mentioned that he thought he’d been over-paid some benefit so he was going to invest it in gold to make sure he didn’t spend it. Then a few days after he died there was a deposit of £1500 in his account from PIP benefit. He had been waiting months for it and had jumped through loads of hoops to qualify for Personal Independent Payment (PIP). That meant he wouldn’t have to work until he was reassessed in a few years time and could therefore focus on his health rather than constantly filling in benefit forms or applying for jobs he just couldn’t hold down. It’s a baffling process even without a muddled mind. The whole process caused Ben a lot of distress in his final few weeks so I accepted the money on his behalf (its paid a month in arrears) and did what he would have done and bought some gold with it. I’ve been wondering what to do with it ever since. Watch this space…

Overall I think I’m coping better than I was this time a year ago. I’m still heart- broken and will always carry great big heavy bags full of grief and loss but I’m learning how to manage them better. I need to actively find sources of joy as much as possible to balance up the sadness a bit. I just have no room to carry optional sadness or drama. I live by the phrase ‘ I choose joy’ whenever its possible. I Think Ben would approve. 

Ben is still very much in my present and my day to day life but I miss him so much. Its very hard and relentless- I won’t lie. I’ve had a two pretty bad health scares this year. Ironically (and rather cruelly) on the first anniversary of Ben’s death I received the results of biopsy which meant my life went one way or another. For two weeks I’d had to prepare myself for either scenarios. I wasn’t sure what to hope for but when I received ‘good news’ I was pleased for John’s sake. Then recently I had to have another biopsy and this time I was hoping that the tests showed I was healthy. That was a turning point.

*said is not quite the right word and sort of illustrates the awkwardness of human communication techniques via the written and spoken word. My dreams don’t have words in, just feelings conveyed without the need for words. A sort of soul level communication. Its much clearer than using clumsy words which can be hard to find and can be misinterpreted- an example of the difficulties of being incarnated as a human. Brain too big, words too powerful, kindness too quiet.