Ben’s Stone. The Most Beautiful Headstone in the Horse Cemetery.

Not a sentence I ever thought I’d write. My son has the most beautiful headstone. Nor ….. in the horse cemetery. A beautiful headstone is not usually a thing to shout about but I’m a bit short of parental brags so bear with me. Maybe I need to address the ‘Horse Cemetery’ part of the title first…..

We didn’t really know where to bury Ben. It’s not something any Mum wonders about unless she has to. However we found ourselves in that hideous situation. Ben had a beautiful memorial service in the village church in Langham, Rutland where he grew up. John and I had moved from Langham to Cornwall a year before but no one knew Ben in Cornwall so we returned to his home for the service.

As a ‘wandering man’ over the last few years of his life, Ben literally went the extra mile and continued his travels after death. Ben died in Peacehaven outside of Brighton. A town name that pops up in my life often because if I am searching for a location on my sat nav Peacehaven is the town I’m offered first if start to type in Penzance. I like to think Ben was drawn to there because he liked the name and it offered him some hope and comfort. Peace Haven. The town itself is rather neglected and run down. It was a place Ben walked to often and was the last place he walked to.

We had to arrange for Ben’s body to travel back to Langham. Ben was always a fan of a free ride so I like to think he chuckled whilst our lovely friend Jason (who was also our funeral director) collected Ben from Brighton and took him home in the hearse whilst Ben’s favourite heavy rock music blasted out.
Ben had a small very private funeral service at Glenfield Crematorium in Leicester. Just me, John, Ben’s Dad and Ben’s half-sisters Ruth and Rebecca. Geoff Angell our family friend was the vicar. It was a lovely service……Except I could only get through it by pretending my boy wasn’t in the EBay cardboard coffin in front of me. I couldn’t watch the coffin being lifted out the hearse and to this day don’t know who he carried him in. The memorial service took place the next day in Langham with over 200 people present to say goodbye to Ben and to support me in particular. I feel like I’ve already been to my own funeral so when my time comes; I’ll make a blind-side break.

Ben’s ashes came to his memorial service but then I was left having to decide what to do with them. Some went to his Dad in NZ and some to my Dad so that Ben could finally achieve his dream of re-visiting the ‘dry hills’ of Yorkshire. His happy place where he had long-boarded and cycled whilst staying with my Dad and then later living in Ripon YMCA and Mrs Merrin’s campsite in Ripon. He talked about the dry hills often and by chance (?) John and I have just returned from a trip to Yorkshire where we found ourselves stayed half a mile from where Dad had scattered his ashes in Dallowgill on the edge of the Yorkshire Dales. A very peaceful spot ‘Hills of The North Rejoice’.

But where was the final resting place for the rest (majority) of Ben?
Penwith Woodland Burial is a rather a special place. Firstly on arrival it welcomes you to the ‘Pet Crematorium’.

It’s a beautiful woodland where visitors can wander around scrumping the trees of residents who have already arrived- every plot gets a native tree. Ben has a crab apple tree which one day we will make into crab-apple jelly. He’d like that. Dogs are welcome to wander around sniffing and playing. It was originally a place where horses could be buried then it evolved so all manner of pets could be buried there. Eventually (and I think rather reluctantly), the pet owners were allowed in too when their time came.
I had no intention of burying Ben’s ashes there as he had never lived in Cornwall. However my friends very wisely realised that where Ben was buried was more about me being able to stay connected to him. Thank God they did. Going up to visit Ben gives me so much comfort. I had no idea how important it would be. The dogs run straight to his when we go there and I say ‘where’s Ben, go find Ben’ just like we did when he was alive.

Ben’s Aunty Laura is a stone-mason and she offered to carve Ben’s stone. Obviously this is a hugely emotional task so none of us wanted to rush it. Also because Laura lives in France the pandemicmade it impossible for her to travel we only got to put the stone in place in May 2021. In the mean time we have had a couple of temporary grave markers. His long board then a piece of wombled slate.

It was so difficult to work out how to sum up Ben’s life in a few words. Over the last year and a half I have downloaded some thoughts from my brain and Laura captured them in the most beautiful way possible. Why are grave stones so….grave?

‘Not All Those Who Wander are Lost’ is a quote from Lord of the Rings…. Maybe Ben wasn’t lost? The font is Lord of the Rings too.
The ‘R’ of Wander is picked out in gold, a nod to his half-sister’s Ruth and Rebecca, joining up with mly as I always ended our texts and letters with RMLY even when he was in his 20s- Remember Mummy Loves You.
The seagull represents that he is now Free as a Bird, Free Bird (Lynyrd Skynyr song) and that he was a non-conformist who did things his own way (from the book Jonathan Livingston Seagull) both of which were part of Ben’s memorial ceremony.

The back of the stone is Ben’s silhouette in a fine gold line. He is here but not here, a beautiful light- just like he is now, just out of sight. No words needed. I know I’ll spend hours talking to him. When Laura showed me his stone, I cried and cried- it is perfect but it broke my heart.
Laura wrote me a letter capturing her thoughts and inspiration behind Ben’s stone which she is happy for me to share here.

As soon as we put the stone in place I felt a sense of peace, rest now my boy.
Benedict James Findlay
14.04.96- 19.10.19
LOVED FOREVER.

Ps this has been such a difficult post to write. The subject is horrendous for a start and I’ve had a bit of mental block about it. Made worse by the fact that I’ve had to write it twice. The first draft vanished as soon as I pressed ‘publish‘. I felt like I’d lost yet another part of Ben and it affected me deeply. It made me really reflect on why I am writing this blog; It’s so I can capture every memory (however fleeting) I have of Ben. His life was so fleeting I don’t want to forget anything.