The reason why I needed to go to India was illustrated perfectly the evening I arrived in Tirumalannamali and walked round the holy mountain. The walk is known as Girulvia, and is a 15km route.

I was starting Panchakarma the next day so that first evening was my only chance do it. I went to the Ashram in Tiru to listen to the chanting which was haunting and beautiful then at 7pm after it got dark I started the walk. I was hoping a friend I’d met in Auroville would join me but she was doing a big walk early the next morning so I was on my own. It’s a well trodden, well signed route and lots of people walk alone or in groups at times of day and night. So off I went. In my glittery crocs with a bottle of water.

I was on a time limit and had a taxi booked for 10pm- no worries I thought. I was wrong!

The streets were lined with people living on the streets. Most of them were wearing orange which is the colour Sadhu’s wear. They are people on a spiritual quest who have given up all their worldly goods and dedicate themselves to a path of selflessness service. They don’t beg note ask for money- relying on the temples to feed them which is all they need.

I wasn’t prepared for the suffering and sadness I was to encounter. As well as the Sadhus there many beggars and people with diseases, sleeping in the streets asking for money. Eventually I had to avert my eyes and just keep walking- wishing the walk away, speeding up and counting the Km down.

At one point I saw a blind man with no arms or legs being fed rice. He looked happy and was enjoying it. That image will stay with me; if he could smile then so can I.

Suddenly I was lost. The paths were narrow and dark. I felt alone and trapped and couldn’t find my way back to the path. It was frightening. The more I tried to get back on track the darker it got.

Despite being nearly 9.30pm it was hot and humid. I’d been lost for a good chunk of time. My phone didn’t work and I felt totally on my own and unable to work out a way forward.

Then there was a smiling face summoning me into the light. ‘This way’ this way he said with a heavy accent. ‘Walk with me’ I thanked him for getting me back onto the path and told him I was in a rush so had to walk on quickly ahead. He was wearing bare feet and traditional pilgrimage clothing and was walking very slowly.

Then I got lost again down even narrower, darker streets. I was very frightened and could hear my heart beating loudly. When I eventually found the path again I saw the same smiley, slow walking chap again. He smiled. ‘Walk with me’ he said.
This time I accepted his invitation. It was 10.30pm. I’d missed my taxi so I might as well stop rushing.

He asked me if I’d enjoyed the Girulvia. No I replied- there was such sadness I found it heart breaking. He paused every now and then bowing and blessing the beggars who then smiled back at him. He taught me a mantra to say as I walked along to help my meditation. I copied him by sharing blessings with the people on the streets. They smiled at me now too.

Then the penny dropped. This wasn’t a walk. It was a pilgrimage. I’d been rushing, wishing it away and was overwhelmed by the sadness I encountered. And I was lost.

By allowing myself to be guided and slowing down I was able to see things in a very different way. The circumstances remained the same but by including a spiritual aspect and some grace it was a totally different experience.

We walked the last 2km together, smiling. I kept checking we were going in the right direction. ‘Yes’ he reassured me ‘I’ll be with you until the end and make sure you are safe’. Eventually at 11.30 we arrived back at the Ashram, the taxi was waiting for me. We hugged and I took a photo to mark the end of the pilgrimage- his 21st and my 1st.

Just before Christmas 2023 I was lost and sad and wishing my life away. Grief was all consuming and I couldn’t find a way to cope. I’d lost hope. I felt pressure from friends and family to be happy and festive when it was the last thing I wanted to do.

Fed up of trying to explain my feelings, one evening without planning I cut off all my hair as short as possible with some random scissors. It looked awful. I walked back into the sitting room, John looked up and went pale. ‘You can’t go out looking like that here said’. ‘Exactly’ I replied. ‘I can’t go out feeling like this’. Now do you get it?

We realised something had to change. John said you are being driven mad by grief. I was. I just couldn’t cope. I’d lost connection with myself. I could hold it together for long enough to work but that took all the energy I had. I was worn out and broken. I was eating badly, not sleeping, not exercising and in an effort to cope I’d developed an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I didn’t drink during the week but fridays and Saturday evenings I looked forward to the numbness of too much alcohol. But because I didn’t drink in the week or in the day I convinced myself this was ok. Until it became clear it wasn’t.

I needed some time to find myself again, start healing and find a new way to live with grief.

I’m writing this from my sofa at home; looking out to sea. John has made me a morning cuppa. After 24 years together he’s got it down to a fine art! It’s a good morning for a swim so my hot water bottle is ready and my flask is packed all ready for a dip. I’m very pleased to be home. I’m in a much better place, physically and mentally. Spiritually I’m feeling more connected. I’m not ‘fixed’ but I’m back on the right path.

I’m hoping my grief will be easier to live with now I feel as stronger. The gut wrenching sadness is never going to go but I need to find a better way to cope. I’ve met some incredible people, had some very profound experiences and lots of laughter and fun. But I’ve missed my life and I want to be able to enjoy it again. I’m blessed in so many ways.

I’m back on my path one step at a time with some incredible people along side me.

Summary of my trip in the style of Eat/Pray/Love:

Sun ☀️ Fun 😆 Soulfood 🍰✨ Farming 🌳 Yoga 🧘🏻‍♀️ Body 🫀 Mind 🧠

18 Jan- 4 Feb
Sun & Fun in Goa ☀️😃


4-21 Feb
Soulfood & Farming in Auroville 🍰 ✨ 🌳


21 Feb- 7 March
Yoga & Body & Mind in Yogiville 🧘🏻‍♀️ 🫀 🧠

There is much, much more to write about and for me to process about my trip. I’ll do that in time and share it.

Each of the three destinations were essential and yet totally different. I needed to learn to live alongside grief. There was a big shift over the 7 weeks and I’ll try and sum this up. My belief system is still in the process of changing.

‘I believe there is more to life than simply being born and dying. It is in this ‘more than’ that things make sense… and that is where Ben is’.

A read the quote above afterwards- that sums it up too. My mind feels less burdened.