Shortly after I’d written my last post something completely unexpected happened to me. I totally lost my faith/spiritual-side/connection with the bigger picture. Not one to do things by half it happened in the middle of a Quaker meeting. My brain was exhausted from trying to make sense of Ben’s life and death. So it simply stopped trying. All my life I’ve a belief system of some sort- that there’s more to life than being born and dying. Suddenly I gave that all up. At Quaker meetings we sit in silence waiting for connection with something bigger than ourselves-God/Good/the Universe/spirit call it what you will. If moved to share we ‘minister’. I stood up to minister and shared that I’d lost my belief system and was no longer sitting down waiting for connection but that I was now ‘just a person sitting on a chair’. The relief was immediate. It was like giving myself permission to stop.

However a couple of months later this absence of belief had contributed to a desperate state of mind. I was so so sad. Not depressed but swamped with sadness for the way Ben’s life had turned out. How my hopes for him as his Mum had been destroyed. All I’d EVER wanted for him was to be happy and contented in whatever form that took. I looked back at the early photos and I was so young, hopeful and in love with Ben. I knew I’d do anything for him; love him unconditionally and forever. I still do. I didn’t have much support from family or from Ben’s Dad during Ben’s childhood so I did my very best to be all roles to Ben. It didn’t work- how could it?

I was broken and exhausted yet the Christmas party invitations kept coming. Socialising was the last thing I felt like doing and I went more and more inwards. Just wanting to be at home on my own. Doing my work, reading books and being with the 2 or 3 people I felt were gentle and kind enough to be around.

A turning point was on its way- life had to change. I couldn’t keep going like this. Everything I could do externally influence my life was as good as it could possibly be; I love my husband, my life, my friends, my work- I was even a mermaid ffs!!!

But it wasn’t enough- the deepest sadness I could imagine overshadowed it all. A change had to come from within me. I’d reached my limit. Things had to change.

The turning point took me to India! Eighteen months previously John and I had booked a holiday to Goa in January 2024. Realising I had to dig deep and change my perspective I started to contemplate staying on in India on my own after Goa and going on some sort of spiritual/healing quest. John and I had never been apart for more than a week and he was my rock but this was something I had to do on my own. John knew this too and fully supported me.