Welcome to rememberingben.blog

F.Y.I – This is an introductory post. If you are new here then it’s best to read the blog from the bottom up as it’s written in chronological order, added to over time. Newer posts are at the top.


I really wish that I didn’t have to introduce you to this blog- but I do…

My reasons for wanting to write about Ben have evolved since he died nearly a year ago. Much to my surprise I find writing very cathartic and a helpful way to process my thoughts. My old English teacher would be laughing as English was never my strong point- hey hum. I write from an emotional place, when the feeling moves me. Grammar etc is not top of the agenda but I do read it back afterwards and add a bit of punctuation in here and there.  I’d rather it was ‘real’ but thank goodness for spell check!

Up until now I’ve shared my thoughts about Ben on Facebook (I’ve included these at the bottom of the blog). However over time I’ve realised that that is not the best way to share raw, sometimes very sad and possibly ‘triggering’ thoughts. Hence this blog where folk can read things if and when they want to. It’s also a place to collate photos and share the music I associate with him. Feel free to add to them. I’m very untechnical so this is all a bit of a challenge- bear with. Marcus Harding, Ben’s oldest friend from Preschool in Bath,  has set this blog up for me. Ben would have loved that.

I never want to forget about Ben so all I have are precious memories and a blog is a way of capturing that. Its also interactive so other people can share their thoughts. It is a safe space. A kind place where we accept other’s point of view. I will only write from my point of view and will not use the blog as a way to blame anyone. I try very hard not to do ‘what ifs or if onlys’…. they don’t change the tragic outcome.

However the failings of the mental health service (Until he arrived in Brighton) were a big part of Ben’s story, so that will be part of it. As will the wonderful people/ professionals who touched Ben’s life. To be human is to be flawed and vulnerable. And a bit of a twat sometimes.

I imagine the people who read this are mine and Ben’s friends and family. However if you know people who may find it helpful then please feel free to share it. Writing about mental illness and the death of a much loved son is a gritty, cry-ie, snotty, messy subject. Its not something everyone feels comfortable with. But I do and I want to celebrate Ben’s short life and the unique perspective he had about it and what its like to live without him.

Benedict James Jeary was born in Oxford on 14/04/1996. It was a beautiful birth. A Sunday. All of his family were there to welcome him to the world.

Benedict James Findlay died at Telscombe Cliffs, Peacehaven near Brighton 19/10/19. It was a tragic death. A Saturday but I didn’t find out until the police came to tell me on the Monday. He was alone.

Ben’s Mum,

Anna x

Benedict (Ben) James Findlay

14.04.96 -19.10.19 Loved Forever.

7 Comments

  1. Diane Henderson

    That was lovely to read Anna, I remember how you buzzed recalling your meeting when we chatted at SF the week after your visit with Ben ,and I’m so glad that you have that memory to look back on and smile ,what a lovely way to help yourself heal and cope with the hole that will forever be in your heart ,take care and thank you for sharing it’s good for the soul and mind xxxxx

  2. Mrs TJ

    Heart spoken beautifully. So happy you came to do this. ♥️ It’s beautiful

  3. Laura

    What an absolute diamond geezer. My words sound flippant, but honestly, he was! I feel so lucky to have had him in my life, I just wish he was still here, but he – as you explain – was on his own journey. I’m so glad you had this special day together. Thank you for sharing the details – for some reason they seem to help my brain process the facts, which it has been struggling with I think – resulting in a huge outpour of emotion, tears and yes, snot (!) whilst reading your post. Grief is a messy process, but I don’t think there’s any avoiding it is there?! Just got to keep moving through it… feeling it all… sending him love, just as much now as we ever did. Love you very much. X

  4. Linda Hodgson

    Written from the heart Anna…. keep going, I am a hundred percent sure that writing is very cathartic for some people, myself included. I feel like I want to wrap you in a big comfort blanket, you are doing really well, and I know it’s so hard. ❤️

  5. Jasmine Jenkin

    Courageous Anna, Ben’s Mum. This is so beautiful. My heart weeps for your sadness and sings for your precious memories. I don’t know the words that might hold you up in your darkest hours, but I can certainly feel the love you and Ben share. Hugest of love to for love and understandings of each other. I don’t know the song you wrote about, but intrigued to play it now.
    I agree Bath is magical and actually it’s ok not the go there again. It’s a place that is in you & will always be yours and Bens.

  6. Helen

    Hi Anna,
    I hope this is not too out of the blue – I recently learned of Ben’s passing through a friend and found your blog through a google search of his name. I knew Ben from Groningen, we were both living in the same student house back then.

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I have only fond memories of Ben – he was incredibly warm, easygoing and was always up for a chat with anyone about pretty much anything. Everyone in the house was one big family back then with plenty of great times shared – probably one of the best 6 months of my life. As I was an exchange student, I was only in Groningen for 6 months. On my last day a bunch of people came to see me off at the train station, and of course Ben was one of them. He was a great person and friend to everyone and I will always remember him.

  7. Niall Moore

    Anna this is heartsore, poignant and true. What a beautiful pouring out. So lovely to meet you at The Fisherman’s Rest with Jason on Friday. I visited Ben this morning and felt the peace of the place where his untethered spirit left part of himself behind. Lovely place to wander and connect. One day I may swim…!

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