Category: Uncategorized (Page 2 of 3)

My most favourite place to swim is probably Battery Rocks in Penzance. Sometimes I catch the tide at a special time when the top of the highest rocks break through the sea. At this magical point it is possible to look as if you are standing on water. I love it. It makes me chuckle.

In January this year (2022) it was one of those days when I was really, really missing Ben. My heart was actually aching. I stood on the rock and stretched out my arms so that the winter sunshine could warm my heart. I felt as if I was being filled with the purest, warmest golden rays of love. It took my breath away. I felt like my heart was full and overflowing. I was alone in the middle of the sea but I felt so connected to Ben. Eventually I pulled myself away from this beautiful love and dived back into the cold sea. My heart was overflowing via thick warm tears coming from eyes. I had felt all the love in the world, all at once. It is a feeling I will never forget. Luckily one of the other swimmers caught this moment on her camera.

Later in the month I was once again on the rock. I was connected into Ben’s energy, and it felt so strong, but I was suddenly aware that I needed to let Ben go. To free him. I was used to feeling Ben with me all the time and I realised that this was a big hold on him. I found myself saying to Ben ‘I’m Ok, this is your time. Go and enjoy your freedom, there’s no need to look after me anymore’. As soon as I said this it felt too final….and Ben always took my words literally… so through my tears I quickly added….’ But if I’m really missing you, can I ask you to come back? Will you let me know you are OK?’ This agreed I felt/heard Ben say, ‘Come on Mum, let’s play!’ and we dived off the rock into the sea together.

As soon as I hit the water, I could sense he was no longer there, and the loss felt like I was being wrung out like a dish cloth. The feeling of loss was huge, and it made me realise how comforted I’d been by feeling Ben’s presence by my side. I had no idea that relationships continue after someone dies but they do. Ben and I get on really well now, his cheeky sense of humour shines through now that he is free from his earthly burdens. I sobbed and sobbed; salty tears being absorbed by the salty sea. But it felt right.

About six weeks later I was adjusting to my new normal without Ben by my side. One morning I’d woken up really, really sad and as I went out for my dip I was delighted to see what I now call ‘Ben’s Rock’ exposed. I swam out, clambered onto the rock and stretched out my arms to connect my heart energy with the horizion. I was filled with a sense of deep peace. I then asked Ben if he could send me a really clear signal to let me know he was safe and ok. I felt/heard (like I’d been on the phone to him) and then put the phone down by jumping off the rock into the choppy sea.

When I got home and had a lovely hot shower I sat down with a cup of tea and shuffled my Arc-Angel Michael Oracle cards. I feel a connection with Arc-Angel Michael aka St Michael due to the presence of St Michael’s Mount in the bay. We can see it clearly from our house and Battery rocks is very close to it. A familiar card popped up straight away…’ you and your loved ones are safe’. I smiled and thanked Ben. I felt like he’d sent me the signal I’d asked for, but there was more to come.

That night I had an incredibly vivid dream. I was walking up Milsom Street in Bath near where Culpeppers Herbalist used to be. I caught sight of Ben walking towards me. He was older than when I’d last seen him, about 26, and was happy and relaxed. His brown wavy hair was soft and shiney, his skin was clean and healthy. He was wearing pale jeans and a white loose top and was smiling. I’d never seen him so comfortable in his body. I shouted at the top of my voice ‘BEN! BEN!’ He looked at me and said ‘Mum?….’ he looked surprised that I’d shouted out to him. Then I felt myself hurl forward and tackle him to the ground and sit on him! His surprise now changed to shock ….’what on earth are you doing now?! ‘

I caught my breath and was so relieved to know he was there, that I’d caught him.

‘Ben you are here?’

‘They told me you had died. That you are dead’.

He looked up at me, his still puzzled eyes twinkling….’Oh yes, they do say that. It’s not true’. Then matter of factly….’It’s not true because death doesn’t exist, death doesn’t exist’,

I could feel exactly what he was saying. That it’s like we are walking down the same street at the same time but that there is a strong, fine layer of silk dividing his world from mine. Sometimes when the light is in the right place its possible for me to see and feel through this silk divide. He sees through the ‘divide’ much more clearly than I do. Hence to him, no longer being alive is not a big deal. He doesn’t know how different it feels to me, to me he seems a million miles away. Unless I’m on his rock.

It’s his 26^th birthday this week. In that dream saw what he would have looked like at that age and he is radiantly beautiful.

He’s safe. He’s happy. He’s free.

That’s all I ever wanted for him.

I’m sad and always will be. But I’ll cope.

July 2021

Here  I am sitting inside ‘Mr Benn’ in the rain at Treen near Pedn Vouder. I’m a few miles from home and a few miles from Land’s End. I’ve stayed overnight in my new camper van and feel very much like Ben has organized the whole thing!

Ben’s dream from being very small was to have a ‘Bedford Banger’ with a bed in the back so he could travel and have somewhere to sleep. He also wanted to fix up old Saabs as he went about his travels. These dreams didn’t come true- partly because he didn’t pass his driving test. His beliefs about how to drive got in the way somewhat… he didn’t believe in looking in his mirrors, wouldn’t indicate and would only drive with one hand on the wheel.

After discovering the joys of sea swimming (did I mention that sea swimming changed my life??!!) I’ve found that there are quite a few things that seem to be overlaps in the Venn diagram of life as a sea swimmer. One is the wonderful depth and gentleness of those who are drawn to sea swim and another thing is ‘van-life’, so that you can watch the sunset by the sea, sleep-over and then have a morning swim before heading the few miles home and starting the day.

 I found myself really drawn to this option and decided to take the plunge and try somehow to get my own van.

As soon as I made this decision things just slotted into place. I started looking at Facebook Marketplace where local people sell items. As we live miles from anywhere it’s a good place to start, otherwise any purchase meant a significant drive. Penzance is also a hot spot for van life. One search and there it was – the van of my dreams and only a few miles up the road.

Now the only obstacles standing in my way were; the funds, the fact that if I got a van I’d have two vehicles as I had 6 months lease left my Honda Jazz ‘ The Bean’ until February 2022….and I needed John to get on board with my latest notion. No mean feat as he has always been VERY clear that he would never sleep in a van due to his height and increasing need for comfort. We had camped for years on summer holidays ( affectionally known as Hell-i-days) due to lack of sleep and disproportionate amount of tummy bugs which we seemed to attract! Those times had their magic and we made many memories but we were delighted when that phase of life was well and truely done.

Where there is a will there is a way though. Loosing Ben has made me realise how temporary life is and with my mantra of finding as much joy in life I took the challenge on. I phoned Logan (the man with the van) and arranged to see it that evening.

The moment I saw it I knew it was for me. It was a wombled mixture of old furniture/ bits of old boat including 3 portholes and painted in all the colours I love. It had done lots of miles but I realized that my van would probably never leave West Penwith and was going to have spend its life visiting beaches within a ten mile radius.

I had a spontaneous test drive and when it got up the notorious Bowjey Hill near our house I realized it was a bit special. We parked outside the house and as luck had it, England had just  that minute beaten Germany for the first time since 1966 in a major football competition. This was a good- if out of the blue time- to show John the van. I was not 100% sure about things especially as the timing was wrong but after seeing the van John said go for it especially as it is my 50^th birthday this year. I believe in going with the flow and the flow seemed to be van shaped!!!

When Logan and I drove back into Newlyn we spotted a chap called Ben that it turns out we both know and who is the same age as my Ben. He was having a bad day and said he felt lost so Logan said get in the van and lets go for dinner. It felt like a sign. John and I slept on it and I chatted to Ben’s friend Phil about the van and he said it looked like a good deal and that Ben would definitely approve. The next morning the transaction to buy the van was completed on Battery Rocks as both Logan and I had planned to swim there that morning. My spiritual home was the perfect place to enter into another new experience.

So what to call the van…..in the night I had a flash of inspiration. As a child I had loved the TV animation show Mr Benn about a city gent who was, rather incongruously, invited to lots of fancy dress parties. When Mr Benn went into the changing room to try on his chosen costume ‘as if by magic- which of course it was’ he entered into the world of the costume that he was dressed in eg a spaceman, lion tamer, wizard. I often called my Ben ‘Mr Benn’ and so it seemed perfect. A quick google and it transpired that Mr Benn turned 50 this year too! Mr Benn with his strap line- ‘you can be whoever you want to be’ and the book’s full title ‘The Extraordinary Adventures of Mr Benn’ was the perfect name.

So Ben here I am off on many adventures. Just me and your name sake. Who knows where we will go and what we will see. I’ve just been for a swim at Pedn Vouder near Porthcurno. Magic. I think you are here too.

September 2021. Update:

‘The Bean’ has been fixed, repaired and returned early. It is now a ‘Has Bean’!

I have a friend who is medium and he told me to look out for something to do with new curtains that would mean a lot to me. An odd message I’m sure you will agree. Especially as we only have two pairs of curtains both of which I’m very happy with. So there I was a few days later getting ready for a sleep over in Mr Benn. I’d ordered a book of Mr Benn stories to put on the bookshelf in the van to familiarise anyone who needed it with Mr Benn stories. It had a dust jacket with a picture of Mr Benn on it. I have round portholes as windows and needed something to block the light out. Curtains as it were. Just look at it!

It’s been a beautiful summer with sleepouts and fun in Mr Benn. Watching the moon rise or just having a cuppa on the roof of Mr Benn. He’s brought me so much fun and freedom. Its something I’d never have done if Ben hadn’t given me the idea. My nieces and nephews loved playing in/on him when they came down in the summer. It was like all 5 cousins were all together again- all be it Ben represented by a van! Get yourself a passport Mr Benn we are going to see Aunty Laura and Bryan in France at the end of October. Just me, Mer Benn and …..Ben x

Not a sentence I ever thought I’d write. My son has the most beautiful headstone. Nor ….. in the horse cemetery. A beautiful headstone is not usually a thing to shout about but I’m a bit short of parental brags so bear with me. Maybe I need to address the ‘Horse Cemetery’ part of the title first…..

We didn’t really know where to bury Ben. It’s not something any Mum wonders about unless she has to. However we found ourselves in that hideous situation. Ben had a beautiful memorial service in the village church in Langham, Rutland where he grew up. John and I had moved from Langham to Cornwall a year before but no one knew Ben in Cornwall so we returned to his home for the service.

As a ‘wandering man’ over the last few years of his life, Ben literally went the extra mile and continued his travels after death. Ben died in Peacehaven outside of Brighton. A town name that pops up in my life often because if I am searching for a location on my sat nav Peacehaven is the town I’m offered first if start to type in Penzance. I like to think Ben was drawn to there because he liked the name and it offered him some hope and comfort. Peace Haven. The town itself is rather neglected and run down. It was a place Ben walked to often and was the last place he walked to.

We had to arrange for Ben’s body to travel back to Langham. Ben was always a fan of a free ride so I like to think he chuckled whilst our lovely friend Jason (who was also our funeral director) collected Ben from Brighton and took him home in the hearse whilst Ben’s favourite heavy rock music blasted out.
Ben had a small very private funeral service at Glenfield Crematorium in Leicester. Just me, John, Ben’s Dad and Ben’s half-sisters Ruth and Rebecca. Geoff Angell our family friend was the vicar. It was a lovely service……Except I could only get through it by pretending my boy wasn’t in the EBay cardboard coffin in front of me. I couldn’t watch the coffin being lifted out the hearse and to this day don’t know who he carried him in. The memorial service took place the next day in Langham with over 200 people present to say goodbye to Ben and to support me in particular. I feel like I’ve already been to my own funeral so when my time comes; I’ll make a blind-side break.

Ben’s ashes came to his memorial service but then I was left having to decide what to do with them. Some went to his Dad in NZ and some to my Dad so that Ben could finally achieve his dream of re-visiting the ‘dry hills’ of Yorkshire. His happy place where he had long-boarded and cycled whilst staying with my Dad and then later living in Ripon YMCA and Mrs Merrin’s campsite in Ripon. He talked about the dry hills often and by chance (?) John and I have just returned from a trip to Yorkshire where we found ourselves stayed half a mile from where Dad had scattered his ashes in Dallowgill on the edge of the Yorkshire Dales. A very peaceful spot ‘Hills of The North Rejoice’.

But where was the final resting place for the rest (majority) of Ben?
Penwith Woodland Burial is a rather a special place. Firstly on arrival it welcomes you to the ‘Pet Crematorium’.

It’s a beautiful woodland where visitors can wander around scrumping the trees of residents who have already arrived- every plot gets a native tree. Ben has a crab apple tree which one day we will make into crab-apple jelly. He’d like that. Dogs are welcome to wander around sniffing and playing. It was originally a place where horses could be buried then it evolved so all manner of pets could be buried there. Eventually (and I think rather reluctantly), the pet owners were allowed in too when their time came.
I had no intention of burying Ben’s ashes there as he had never lived in Cornwall. However my friends very wisely realised that where Ben was buried was more about me being able to stay connected to him. Thank God they did. Going up to visit Ben gives me so much comfort. I had no idea how important it would be. The dogs run straight to his when we go there and I say ‘where’s Ben, go find Ben’ just like we did when he was alive.

Ben’s Aunty Laura is a stone-mason and she offered to carve Ben’s stone. Obviously this is a hugely emotional task so none of us wanted to rush it. Also because Laura lives in France the pandemicmade it impossible for her to travel we only got to put the stone in place in May 2021. In the mean time we have had a couple of temporary grave markers. His long board then a piece of wombled slate.

It was so difficult to work out how to sum up Ben’s life in a few words. Over the last year and a half I have downloaded some thoughts from my brain and Laura captured them in the most beautiful way possible. Why are grave stones so….grave?

‘Not All Those Who Wander are Lost’ is a quote from Lord of the Rings…. Maybe Ben wasn’t lost? The font is Lord of the Rings too.
The ‘R’ of Wander is picked out in gold, a nod to his half-sister’s Ruth and Rebecca, joining up with mly as I always ended our texts and letters with RMLY even when he was in his 20s- Remember Mummy Loves You.
The seagull represents that he is now Free as a Bird, Free Bird (Lynyrd Skynyr song) and that he was a non-conformist who did things his own way (from the book Jonathan Livingston Seagull) both of which were part of Ben’s memorial ceremony.

The back of the stone is Ben’s silhouette in a fine gold line. He is here but not here, a beautiful light- just like he is now, just out of sight. No words needed. I know I’ll spend hours talking to him. When Laura showed me his stone, I cried and cried- it is perfect but it broke my heart.
Laura wrote me a letter capturing her thoughts and inspiration behind Ben’s stone which she is happy for me to share here.

As soon as we put the stone in place I felt a sense of peace, rest now my boy.
Benedict James Findlay
14.04.96- 19.10.19
LOVED FOREVER.

Ps this has been such a difficult post to write. The subject is horrendous for a start and I’ve had a bit of mental block about it. Made worse by the fact that I’ve had to write it twice. The first draft vanished as soon as I pressed ‘publish‘. I felt like I’d lost yet another part of Ben and it affected me deeply. It made me really reflect on why I am writing this blog; It’s so I can capture every memory (however fleeting) I have of Ben. His life was so fleeting I don’t want to forget anything.

The 14^th of April is Ben’s birthday. Even though he’s not here anymore it’s still his birthday; the date on which he was born. This year (2021) he would have been 25. A quarter of a century. However he died aged 23 and 7 months. Strangely I became pregnant with him when I was 23 and 7 months. By the time I was 25 I had a beautiful one year old son and had recently moved from Oxford to York. Everyone thinks that their baby is the best- but mine really was THE best. He was my everything and despite life being a challenge (no partner, no job, no settled area to live in) it was all worthwhile because of Ben.

I moved to York to be nearer to my family and to start my first post-grad job as a hydrogeologist at York Environment agency. I worked part-time so that I could be there for Ben and as this was my first rung on the ladder my pay was less than my childcare bills. But it was a start and I felt like I was creating foundations for our future. Looking back on it the year we spent in York was one of the happiest times of my life. We moved to Bath when Ben was two and a half for work. But that’s another story for another time.

I was fiercely protective of Ben and totally knew what unconditional love felt like. I told him I loved him so often that I hoped it would become part of his DNA and that he would keep that love with him whatever happened in his future. I like to think its still wherever he is. I just don’t know where that is?

I chat to Ben all the time in my mind but sometimes I speak out loud to him. A couple of weeks ago I told him I was really missing him and could he come and see me in my dreams? I often feel him around and imagine him giggling at some of the pickles I get myself into. That night as I was dropping off to sleep I ‘saw’ him. Really saw him in 3D so I could look around his beautiful face soaking up his delicate features. It was lovely. A real gift. Then I stood back and looked at him as a whole. He was standing up and shaking his left arm like he was trying to get it into a tight coat sleeve. He noticed me watching and said ‘this body is such a uncomfortable fit- it always was but its how you recognise me so I’m back in it’. Ben was uncomfortable in human form. Human life was a bit of mystery for him. As a child he always said he was from Mars. 

I think I believe that we have a soul and that we incarnate in different ways/forms. Being a human was a stretch for Ben- he never really knew what date or day it was, he struggled to express himself and he was indifferent to eating food. He said that when he got to uni he would just exist on powder with nutrients in so he didn’t have to cook. He did it too. Money was another mystery. How he drove a car was something else. He did at least 4 theory tests and 3 driving tests. He never got his licence. Maybe they don’t have cars on Mars? 

In my dream as Ben struggled to fit into his body I said* there’s no need to do that. Next time be more comfortable when I see you; appear in a form what feels comfortable for you- just make sure I can recognise you. I wonder what it will be…

I often feel his mischievous energy around. I felt like I heard him chuckling the other day; I was getting ready to launch our new business and I needed a white board to write on. I sent out a request via text to ask if anyone had a white board I could borrow. Then I went for a swim in the sea and literally bumped into a flat board of white plastic. To me it felt like Ben had wombled and delivered exactly what I’d asked for! I picked the board up and its at home now!

Bens birthday present to me:

This year I’ve arranged a rather special birthday present for Ben to give to me. I’ll share more about it in a bit but here’s the back-ground..

When Ben died he left behind very little stuff- he didn’t really ever want material possessions and over his last years he moved around a lot so things got lost. When I went through his stuff I found a small ingot of 24 carat gold bullion. I remembered that Ben/ had mentioned that he thought he’d been over-paid some benefit so he was going to invest it in gold to make sure he didn’t spend it. Then a few days after he died there was a deposit of £1500 in his account from PIP benefit. He had been waiting months for it and had jumped through loads of hoops to qualify for Personal Independent Payment (PIP). That meant he wouldn’t have to work until he was reassessed in a few years time and could therefore focus on his health rather than constantly filling in benefit forms or applying for jobs he just couldn’t hold down. It’s a baffling process even without a muddled mind. The whole process caused Ben a lot of distress in his final few weeks so I accepted the money on his behalf (its paid a month in arrears) and did what he would have done and bought some gold with it. I’ve been wondering what to do with it ever since. Watch this space…

Overall I think I’m coping better than I was this time a year ago. I’m still heart- broken and will always carry great big heavy bags full of grief and loss but I’m learning how to manage them better. I need to actively find sources of joy as much as possible to balance up the sadness a bit. I just have no room to carry optional sadness or drama. I live by the phrase ‘ I choose joy’ whenever its possible. I Think Ben would approve. 

Ben is still very much in my present and my day to day life but I miss him so much. Its very hard and relentless- I won’t lie. I’ve had a two pretty bad health scares this year. Ironically (and rather cruelly) on the first anniversary of Ben’s death I received the results of biopsy which meant my life went one way or another. For two weeks I’d had to prepare myself for either scenarios. I wasn’t sure what to hope for but when I received ‘good news’ I was pleased for John’s sake. Then recently I had to have another biopsy and this time I was hoping that the tests showed I was healthy. That was a turning point.

*said is not quite the right word and sort of illustrates the awkwardness of human communication techniques via the written and spoken word. My dreams don’t have words in, just feelings conveyed without the need for words. A sort of soul level communication. Its much clearer than using clumsy words which can be hard to find and can be misinterpreted- an example of the difficulties of being incarnated as a human. Brain too big, words too powerful, kindness too quiet.

This Christmas was so much easier than last year which was literally hell on earth. Last year I was shocked and raw and felt like all my skin had been ripped off. I was literally in bits. Every single part of Christmas preparation sent a stabbing pain through me. My brain kept reflecting back to the year before when Ben came down for Christmas 2018. It went something like this….’this time last year I got one of those for Ben’s stocking’ and ‘last time I heard that song Ben was alive’ and ‘last year I was a Mum’ and ‘Last year I had a son’ and ‘the last time I thought about bread sauce Ben was alive’. Every little tradition involved reflection and a huge pang of loss.

This year it was like the initial impact had been felt. I could look at a Terry’s chocolate orange without being hit by a stream of memories. Like one Christmas morning being woken by the distinctive sound of a chocolate orange being banged on the floor to open it up. I think Ben was about 6. When I went into Ben’s Room he was sitting there surrounded by the chaos of a hurriedly opened Christmas stocking. He said he loved his stocking but really didn’t like the muesli ball that he had taken a big bite out of … it was in fact a fat ball for the birds!

Christmas 2020 has been so different for everyone. Something that blind-sided me was when lots of people on TV, friends and family were really upset that they couldn’t see their family for Christmas this year. It made realise that I have to live my life with this loss not just for a year but for every single day for the rest of my life- not just at Christmas. I felt so isolated that my norm is so far from most other people’s norm. John and I also had a few ‘words’ as he finds relating to my grief difficult. Of course he does. Everyone does. Never in a million years would I expect him or anyone to know what it feels like. Well maybe God does- ironically the only common reference to the intense, enduring grief of loosing your only son is in the Bible!

This year I decided we needed to make some new traditions to make things easier. I still couldn’t face opening the Christmas decoration box so I took the easy way out and bought lots of new ones and asked my family to send me some of theirs. Ironically a couple of days after doing this I then felt able to open the box. It really, really hurt. I’m devastated to say that probably my most precious treasure had not survived storage. I hadn’t opened the box since it was put in storage two years ago when we last moved. Ben had made a ‘pork pie’ decoration at primary school. At the time we lived near Melton Mowbray and as we always have pork pie for Christmas breakfast it was an excellent choice. I loved it. When I saw it was now a mush I felt another pang of loss. But it was tiny in comparison to the loss of Ben so I’ve just got on with it. Things are things. I’ve got the memory.

This year I was able to give Ben a Christmas present. His long board has been a brilliant temporary headstone. However Bunchy who runs the green burial site where Ben’s ashes are buried has been gradually preparing me that it needs to be removed. They only like natural materials in the woodland. My sister Laura who is a stonemason has carved a headstone for Ben. Due to Corona she (and it) are stuck in France….. so I improvised and adapted a bit of left over slate to be a stand in until it arrives. I think Ben would approve! I’ve found being able to visit Ben there so comforting. I take the dogs up there (it was originally a pet/horse cemetery and they now reluctantly let people in!!) and say to them ‘where’s Ben? Find Ben’ and they run off to his plot- where they and us will eventually end up.

A lovely article about how swimming in the sea helps people cope. Greg Martin interviewed me in late November 2020. I didn’t swim in the sea until I was in my 30s (I was scared of fish)! Now I swim in the sea most days. If I don’t the day is more of a struggle. This article was written a few weeks ago.

“ I started regular sea swimming at the start of lockdown 2. I find exercise with a bit of a community feel really helps my mental health.”I love RS Fitness gym in Newlyn, but since it was closed I decided to try something new. I’ve always loved sea swimming and find just being near the sea very therapeutic. I thought winter sea swimming would be too ‘hardcore’ but in lockdown 2, sea swimming was clearly the new sourdough!”After seeing so many folk in the water around Penzance, and with a bit of nagging from my lovely neighbour, Beccy, we both decided to give it a go. We are both addicted to it now!”Jumping in the sea is like pressing a reset button in my head. If I’m grumpy, overwhelmed or tired, getting in the sea just makes me zing. It takes me straight into the present moment where my mind is totally focused on just being in the water.”The sounds, the colours, the sparkles, the sounds of chat and laughter around as we all challenge and support each other. Each of us facing our own battles and being held by the gentle spirit of cold, salty water. I really notice the lack of this zing if I don’t swim – it sets me up for the day.”(Image: Greg Martin / Cornwall Live)12 of 19

“The sense of community, of finding my tribe, has been such an unexpected gift. The sea is no place for airs and graces- just refreshing reality. Many of us are trying to keep our heads together and, literally, above water.”My personal battle is with life itself and the huge grief that I will always have to live with.”I struggle with mental health issues and so did my son.”Ben was so strong and I’m incredibly proud of him. Tragically he lost his battle.”Ben was my only child and was just 23 when he died in October 2019. Ben lived in Brighton for the last year of his short life. He swam in the sea regularly. I feel closest to him when I’m in the sea.”Being a tiny part of a vast, seemly endless, ocean makes me feel that maybe he’s not so far away. I never thought I’d ever be 100% happy again. But in the sea I have been – for a few precious moments.”

https://www.cornwalllive.com/news/cornwall-news/gallery/sea-swimmers-cornwall-finding-solace-4747075?utm_source=linkCopy&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=sharebar

Ben also liked swimming in the sea when he lived in Brighton. One of his key workers sent me a lovely memory which mentions this. I can just picture his hair!

The one about the seagull you already know, and the time he set off the fire extinguisher. I’m sure I could remember some other stories too… I only found out about the longboarding down devils dyke because Ben came to our appointment with his arm in a makeshift sling made from an old T-shirt. I remember he wasn’t that keen on seeing me at that point in time so I’d always offer to make him a cup of coffee and every time he said “cor, yes please!” like he was gasping for a coffee. He barely sat down for a minute before he finished the coffee, started rolling a fag, placed it in his mouth and got up and paced round the room waiting for me to finish talking to him.

He was always excited about something. One day it would have been going to a festival with his sister, the next it would be some good honest labour he had planned. Anyway on that day he was telling me how useless the A&E was (hence the makeshift sling) he asked me if he could have a sick note for his work because the arm hurt but it looked okay and I remember Dan was suspicious that Ben hadn’t hurt his arm at all. I watched him leave on his bike with his arm in a sling wobbling down the driveway towards the beach. His hair was always wild and salty at that time because he was bathing in the sea every day.

Whenever I think about Ben I’m always tempted to play a game he introduced me to, “Polytopia” a “good old turn based strategy. Very difficult Neil” I might have a game later this evening and see if I can think up any more stories.

The house next door has seagulls nesting in the chimney, the racket they make! Anyway they have affectionately been named Bert and Ethel and there’s a young chick that’s fledging. I often think of Ben and his seagull while sitting outside with them.

Its just too difficult to write about the day Ben died, and how I found out about it. So this year I’m going to mark the date with a happy post.

I sent the email below to Ben, 4 years ago. He had just dropped out of Uni at the end of his first year, but was still living in the Netherlands. We thought he was still studying, it was so hard to get hold of him via phone or email and when it did it just felt like I was nagging him. I decided to send him some happy thoughts on an email in case he would like it. I reminded him he had love running through his DNA and he could tap into that any time.

From: Anna Findlay Date: 18 September 2016 at 17:13:36 BST To: Ben Subject: Happy times!

Hi Ben I thought it might be nice to remind you of some happier times we have shared over the years. I’ve loved being your Mum. In no particular order-

• Getting Devon and you and him curling up in his dog bed together.
• Your 8th birthday party complete with dog pooh cake made by Aunty Laura.
• Climbing the apple tree right to the top at Old Hall cottage and bouncing on the trampoline in the garden.
• The village bonfire at our house and John throwing fireworks on the fire every year even though I told him not too.
• Scalextrix in the attic. Me and you going to Belgium together.
• Then when you were much older going to Groningen together for the first time.
• Swimming Topsham open air pool after school in Clyst st Mary.
• Harry Potter world with Phil and drinking butter beer!
• Camping at Trewan Hall and the evolution of the Ghetto. Devon turning up the summer fair at Trewan and being offered as a raffle prize! Bouncing on the grass on the Island near Treyarnon beach.
• You being sent home from school for smelling of Lavender! You were kept in a toilet cubical at school until John could collect you! You had 4 showers and went back to school!
• You skate boarding or scooting everywhere in the village.
• Your first ever job lifting a flag at the polo pitch in langham when there was a goal. You made this even easier by literally lying down on the job!
• Sailing courses on Rutland Water.
• Cooking chocolate cakes in a mug in the microwave.
• Seeing you chilling in the hammock in the back garden.
• Your Duke of Edinburgh revelation!!
• Choosing one present to open every Christmas Eve.
• Visiting you in Groningen in your first year and you showing us round your uni. Going out for an Indonesian meal.
• You bringing me a fig back for breakfast that you had found on a tree.
• You working in the charity shop and choosing my 40th birthday present from there.
• You being embarrassed because I sing in the street!
• Keeping conkers in the safe.
• Going out for walks with you when you were a baby and were in the back pack. You squeeled with excitement when you saw a dog!
• Cycling to nursery school in York. You were on the back of my bike and if a train went under the bridge we had to stay and wave at it even if we were late!
• Spending days standing on the bridges at York station waving at trains!
• You and Marcus being cheeky page boys! And taking loads of photos of the waitress at our wedding.
• Reading stories together after work and school in Bath. Quite often we’d fall asleep together in your little bed.
• Getting a Blue Peter badge!
• Watching you having a surf lesson and you picking it up really quickly.
• Watching how gentle and loving you were to Sox and Devon.

I miss you- I’ve got loads (more) happy memories of you and hope you can remember some good times too. You are very loved xx

F.Y.I – This is an introductory post. If you are new here then it’s best to read the blog from the bottom up as it’s written in chronological order, added to over time. Newer posts are at the top.

I really wish that I didn’t have to introduce you to this blog- but I do…

My reasons for wanting to write about Ben have evolved since he died nearly a year ago. Much to my surprise I find writing very cathartic and a helpful way to process my thoughts. My old English teacher would be laughing as English was never my strong point- hey hum. I write from an emotional place, when the feeling moves me. Grammar etc is not top of the agenda but I do read it back afterwards and add a bit of punctuation in here and there.  I’d rather it was ‘real’ but thank goodness for spell check!

Up until now I’ve shared my thoughts about Ben on Facebook (I’ve included these at the bottom of the blog). However over time I’ve realised that that is not the best way to share raw, sometimes very sad and possibly ‘triggering’ thoughts. Hence this blog where folk can read things if and when they want to. It’s also a place to collate photos and share the music I associate with him. Feel free to add to them. I’m very untechnical so this is all a bit of a challenge- bear with. Marcus Harding, Ben’s oldest friend from Preschool in Bath,  has set this blog up for me. Ben would have loved that.

I never want to forget about Ben so all I have are precious memories and a blog is a way of capturing that. Its also interactive so other people can share their thoughts. It is a safe space. A kind place where we accept other’s point of view. I will only write from my point of view and will not use the blog as a way to blame anyone. I try very hard not to do ‘what ifs or if onlys’…. they don’t change the tragic outcome.

However the failings of the mental health service (Until he arrived in Brighton) were a big part of Ben’s story, so that will be part of it. As will the wonderful people/ professionals who touched Ben’s life. To be human is to be flawed and vulnerable. And a bit of a twat sometimes.

I imagine the people who read this are mine and Ben’s friends and family. However if you know people who may find it helpful then please feel free to share it. Writing about mental illness and the death of a much loved son is a gritty, cry-ie, snotty, messy subject. Its not something everyone feels comfortable with. But I do and I want to celebrate Ben’s short life and the unique perspective he had about it and what its like to live without him.

Benedict James Jeary was born in Oxford on 14/04/1996. It was a beautiful birth. A Sunday. All of his family were there to welcome him to the world.

Benedict James Findlay died at Telscombe Cliffs, Peacehaven near Brighton 19/10/19. It was a tragic death. A Saturday but I didn’t find out until the police came to tell me on the Monday. He was alone.

Ben’s Mum,

Anna x

Benedict (Ben) James Findlay

14.04.96 -19.10.19 Loved Forever.